Natalie's Impossible WishList
by ChristianBookNerd
Summary: Natalie always had what she wanted. So why does she have a gaping hole she has yet to fill? Why doesn't she feel content? Natalie reflects on her childhood and tries to find out what she has missed.


I do not own the 39 Clues. :)

Wasn't it funny? How someone could have everything and anything they wanted, but could be so unhappy?

I sighed, remembering years ago. I had everything. But I wasn't happy.

Wasn't it funny how someone's world could fall so fast? It seems like just the other day I was prancing around my mother's and father's mansion, without a care in the world. Now? Ha! Kept locked up in a dangerous prison cell. Bored, tired, worried, saddened. _Hopeless_.

But I had been happy, I think. I had everything, didn't I? But… Why did I want more? Why wasn't I ever content?

So I, Natalie Kabra, was going to come up with a list of things that I wanted, but never had. And couldn't have gotten, either.

So I sat, staring at the wall. What was it that I wanted? Something that you couldn't buy, or else I would have had tons of it. What _was_ it?

I think it would have to do with my parents.

It's not like they didn't raise me right and didn't give me what I needed and wanted. They did that well. _Really_ well.

So, what made them so… Disappointing? I searched my mind for sad memories back home. And it didn't take long before a memory settled in.

_I was so proud. And I knew they would be, too. Oh, yes! I had on the prettiest dress I could find in my closet, and I had practiced the words until I knew them by heart. My bedroom mirror told me that I was going to be the best. Even with all the other Lucian kids meeting here tonight at the graduation of our poison classes, I was going to be the top. My speech was to be at the very end of the ceremony, with all eyes on me._

_And when I walked up to the podium, I stopped. It was hard to breathe. The room was suddenly filled with strangers and I started shaking. This was much scarier than I thought it would be. And I was never scared._

_In fact, I was so scared, that I stumbled through my speech. Stuttering. My mother and father's eyes were narrowed, as if threatening me to get all the words out. I finished in a rush, tripped off the step in front of the podium, and ran back stage._

_After the graduation, my mother grabbed me by the arm and gave me a very fake smile. She came down to my ear and whispered into my ear. "You better not do **anything** like that again. You were a **complete** embarrassment to our family."_

_I remember the tears that I had to force down. Which was hard, since I was only nine. I had tried and tried to please her. And I had failed. Again._

_Appreciation_. Oh, when I thought I had done something really well, no one said anything. It was expected. I got no, "Good job" or "We're so proud of you." Ever. And when I did something wrong, it was awful. Humiliation from the tips of my toes to the roots of my perfect hair. Scolding went on for days and weeks; and even brought up at points when I had almost forgotten the whole thing. Was there anyway to make them happy? All my actions seemed in vain. I was trying to prove myself a good Lucian. Well, more than that, a good daughter. I dreamed that they would brag about me to their rich friends. But now, I don't think I could have ever gotten to my parents expectations. It was an impossible goal with no way to reach it. And I felt like that way with everything I did. I was never good enough. I was never to be appreciated.

I ran my finger across the wall, in deep thought. Everyone in the cell seemed pretty quiet. And so my mind raced again. I didn't think that covered it all.

"_Daddy!" Lightning stuck across the sky. Oh, I knew they could hear their little five year old scream from the top of her lungs. Thunder rattled our large mansion, and the dark seemed so threatening as the lightning flashed yet again. This was a nightmare. I must have screamed for both my mother and my father for an hour until my brother came in. I can't remember what he said because it was such a long time ago. It probably was just sweet enough for me to stop screaming. He was eight at the time. But I can still remember waiting for one of my parents to come and save me from the monster that was shaking the walls. They never came._

_Love_. I had watched movies. (Though I hate to admit I wasted my time on peasant entertainment.) The families in most of them seemed so unlike mine. The occasional book read aloud to the little kid in his bedroom. The last kiss goodnight. The parents watching over the kids while they were sleeping. The kisses, the hugs, the memories. All I didn't have. Things that I didn't know I wanted at the time, but now I craved. I just wanted to be recognized for a little more than the girl to receive the money that my parents made, although now I know that's what I was. An heir. They didn't love me like a daughter. I never had a heart-to-heart with my mom. Or fell asleep lying on my dad. I was missing those precious moments that made family more than just people.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. Or really, needed it. Who doesn't want love and acceptance? The hole in my heart felt heavier than ever. Where would I find this? Would I ever belong anywhere?

I sank back into reality when I realized I was staring at the gray wall in front of me. I brought my knees up to my chest. I fought back tears. I wanted love and appreciation. Where would I find that? Everyone kept a distance from me because of all that I had done to them and what my family has done. Now I needed forgiveness on top of everything else. And that was impossible, too much to ask for. Wasn't there anybody I could turn to? There had to be hope somewhere, I just had to keep searching.

oooOOOooo

1 John 3:1a NKJV- "Behold what manner of **love** the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called the **children of God**!"

1 John 1:9 NKJV- "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to **forgive** us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV- "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Bible by God (A.K.A God's love-letter to us)


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